I have thought long and hard about this blog entry. In fact, I’m pretty sure I might not press the ‘publish’ button…we’ll see.
My husband and I have had a miscarriage. We’ve been trying for baby 2 for a few months and I was so excited to see the 2 lines. I did three tests in total just because I was so shocked and happy that I felt the need to make sure it was really real.
I had my suspicions a couple of days before I was due on as I felt nausea and sluggish. Then my period didn’t come and I excitedly pee’d on the stick (it’s all glamour from beginning to end, being a Mummy). This was on the Thursday. I then told Hubby on the Friday (I wanted to make sure I was definately pregnant so retested the Friday morning).
We had my sister in law over on the Saturday and it was exciting having the secret inside me. Hubby and I would exchange secret smiles and smirk as I tried to hide the morning sickness (technically evening sickness). Everything was perfect and I couldn’t wait to tell people once we hit 8 weeks.
But Sunday I went to the toilet as I didn’t feel right and there was the start of the bleeding. I won’t go into detail but let’s say I was straight on all the baby forums to read posts, nhs website and google to try to tell myself that everything was ok. But I knew I was fooling myself.
On Monday I went to the doctors. I was referred to the Early Pregnancy Unit. The rest of Monday was a blur. I felt numb…I just wanted to cry and hang upside down to stop the baby from leaving me. I just sat on the sofa, unable to move. Thankfully J was at preschool so I knew he was ok.
I didn’t sleep well that night. I kept resting my hands on my stomach, hopeful. About 10pm I had a sudden pain. It didn’t last long and just became an ache. I went to the bathroom and I knew that the last bit of hope was gone.
Tuesday we went for a scan. I had an internal scan as I was ‘only’ 4+5 days pregnant. I felt prepared…in my head anyway. I was ready to be told that I was empty. But when I heard the words it still felt like a knife to the chest. It was real. It was real…then I saw my husbands face and my grief tripled. I had lost our baby.
It was told it was as a ‘pregnancy that never really took off’. For many people they may have just thought they were having a late period but as a ‘trying to conceive’ woman I know my cycle and I know my body.
I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t a baby. I wasn’t ‘really’ pregnant…that I had no right to be upset since it was so early. But you know what? It was my baby. The second I saw the two lines. I already had the idea in my head of what the baby would look like. Guessing whether if it was a boy would he look like J? I already thought about all the baby clothes packed up in the attic. In my mind that was my baby.
At first I didn’t want to tell anybody. The only person I really spoke to was one of my best friend who had been through her own devastating miscarriages. There were times when a look said it all. There were times I ranted and cried. I ate a lot of junk food to comfort myself.
But I soon realised that I needed to open up. We told family and close friends. Not in an ‘announcement’ sort of way but in a natural sad news type of fashion. It’s amazing how many people have been through it themselves and they know exactly what to say. I was dreading the ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ or ‘you’re young enough to try again’ comments but do you know what, not a single person has said those things to me. I think miscarriage/pregnancy loss is becoming less taboo and as more people talk about it or write about it, the better understanding others have of how to react.
It’s now a couple of months since the miscarriage. It still hits me and I admit that I still find it hard seeing pregnancy announcement, scan photos and baby posts. I would never let it stop me congratulating someone but it does send a heavy feeling into my stomach. My body still hasn’t returned fully back to a normal cycle so there is still that reminder that my body was pregnant. Once that stops then all I have left to prove that this baby existed is the pregnancy test that I refuse to throw away (I still have the pregnancy tests I did with J too so maybe it’s a form of hoarding).
I have a tattoo booked this month and have decided that I want both J and the baby to be represented. I’ll post photos after I’ve had it done. Yes, I was only a few weeks pregnant and no I never heard the heart beat but that was still my baby and I don’t want to forget that for that very short time he/she was alive.
So for now I am focusing on J and helping him to development and work on his communicating. I’m enjoy our time together and being able to do what we want, when we want. One day I’ll be able to say I’m the Mummy to two and increase the chaos in my house.
Thank you Blogtober 2017 for today’s ‘baby theme’. It’s actually be quite therapeutic to get all this out. If you’re reading this then I decided to press submit. I’m ready to talk about this. If you want to chat, rant, vent or cry about your own experience or have any questions then please feel free to get in touch.